If you don't have anxiety or depression or that horrible little swirly cone that combines the two...congratulations. You're at least not quite as bad as I am. If you do...you know exactly how I'm going to describe it.
It happens randomly. Or, perhaps more specifically, it intensifies and shows itself randomly, as opposed to happening, since it's always there, if not full on.
You could be watching YouTube videos of men assaulting each other over Minecraft or piglets running down stairs to get to bowls of oatmeal and laughing and genuinely feeling pretty good...and it hits.
You don't care anymore. You don't want to watch videos anymore. You don't want to play video games. You don't want to work out. You don't want to do homework. You don't want to write. You don't want to read. You don't even want to jack off and get those endorphins going just a little. You don't know what you want to do...because you don't know what you want.
It's almost like those horror movies where they have that mist and it just sneaks in under the door and WHAM, it's on top of you faster than a Ferrari on methamphetamines. It's a fog and it just curls around you and your brain and heart and you just...don't give a shit. At all. About anything. You don't care about what you're eating. You sure as hell don't care about what you're drinking. You don't want to talk to anyone while at the same time feel this incredible urge to talk to SOMEONE. Anyone.
The thought of holding a conversation exhausts you but you feel that ache to be close to someone all the same. You get out of your chair and all you do is wander the room aimlessly, trying to focus on something but the focus won't come.
God forbid you're actually out in public. Stop me if this sounds familiar. You're around people. You're speaking to them. You're laughing and joking and listening and contributing...but it's not you. The 'you' that is there is not the real you. It's a simulacrum of you. It's the 'you' that you think should be there but you aren't actually there. You are watching 'you' interact, you are hearing and thinking 'your' thoughts but they don't feel like yours. You are inside your own head, watching 'you' live your life. But somehow...that's okay. Some way, it feels like you're winning because the 'you' that everyone sees is the 'you' that you want to be. Yet it's empty.
Empty. Emptiness. That's a good way to put it. Well done, me. Thank you, me. I thought it was good too.
It's being empty. It's having all those messy trappings of being human being turned into private files on that computer in your head. The experiences you have count but...no, they really don't. You aren't enjoying them, or at least you aren't to the extent you should be. The rapport you feel feels like it's false, even if it's not. You just can't get past the idea that you aren't SUPPOSED to function around people.
That's the depression talking. Mr. Anxiety kicks in when you aren't quite that far down, but are a lot more tenuous.
He takes over when you knock on the wrong door and accidentally interrupt someone and that thought that you disrupted someone's life makes you want to curl up and do nothing.
He takes over when you see a pretty girl and want desperately to talk to her, to get to know her, to see if she may be the one for you...but the thought of interrupting her, of taking time of hers away from her, of (holy shit no) actually taking the risk to ask her out...the thought of being REJECTED when you already are down on yourself as is...it paralyzes you.
The idea of going up to a stranger and introducing yourself to maybe make a new friend is crippling.
Forget going to a bar or a club. By yourself? Are you kidding? You'll look like a desperate idiot. And, really, don't you come off that way anyways?
You see what I mean? One side of the coin strips away the energy of life, the other transforms it into preventing all action. Either way, nothing gets done.
Congratulations. Your brain is a teamster's office. (Burn).
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