New Beginnings

The first post of a new blog is always interesting. It holds so much promise to either sink or swim, depending on the competency of the writer, the audience that he or she is going for, and just plain old dumb luck sometimes.

So, with that being said, here's who I am. Or...at least some of who I am. I can't be encapsulated in just one blog post or even many. I'm complex and...okay, getting off track. Here's some of who I am.

I am a twenty-five (very close to twenty-six oh no please not yet) year old graduate student.

I am supposed to be in the prime of my life and fucking up a storm. Oh, sorry. I should have warned you. Gonna be some cursing here. Gonna probably be a lot of cursing here some days. Fair after the fact warning. Mea culpa.

Anyways, I am supposed to be in the prime of my life and fucking up a storm. I am not. I am a virgin.

I am a Christian and a Republican but I promise that I'm not all that big of a dick. Well...I can be but not for those reasons.

I am a bit overweight but I'm trying to work out to get rid of it. Trying being the operative word because sometimes beer just tastes too damn good.

I have issues with anxiety and depression.

I get nervous around large groups of people that I don't know and become very self-conscious.

I have days where even getting out of bed is something akin to masochism.

I have moments where I loathe who I am and where I question what I do, when I do it, and everything about my life.

I have moments where I can feel nothing but a gray fog around myself and can't bring myself to care about anything.

I have had moments where I've considered suicide but have only once actually put real thought into it and that was a long time ago.

I have a tremendous lack of self-confidence which is counteracted by some real arrogance about the things I actually am good at.

I am exceedingly cautious about even entertaining the idea of dating, yet I absolutely long to be with someone, even though attractive women make me more anxious than I usually am.

I have issues with how relationships have gone in the past and yes, I'm sure I'll get into those at some point here.

I cope as best I can with the things swirling around in my head by making jokes. A lot of jokes. And occasionally therapy. No drugs yet but that's not off the table.

Scared yet? Yeah, I figured. But this is important to me. It's important for me to get this out there, to not let it just turn inward and leave me thinking.

So, if you've gotten this far, I'm sure you're asking yourself three things:

1) Why is this guy putting all this out there?

2) Why is his icon a wallaby or kangaroo looking quizzically at a pair of grayscale dots?

3) Why am I still reading?

To answer,

1) Because I'm not ashamed of who I am. I'm not ashamed of admitting that there is some stuff going on upstairs that needs work. Plus I'm probably a narcissist and it's fun to have people paying attention to me.

But I'm sure you want to know why not just talk to a therapist and leave it there. And I plan to. But the Internet is this sometimes okay place where you can shout things into a swirling morass and not get judged. More cannot hurt.

2) Because it's funny to me. And because it's some metaphor or shit like that, I guess.

3) Because you are awesome.

What is this blog going to be about, you ask? (I know you aren't really asking.)

It's going to be about me and how I am feeling on a particular day, why I am, what my thoughts are, how I'm dealing with it. It's going to be a place where, hopefully, other people can recognize aspects of themselves and go from there. But mostly, it's going to be about my refusal to just hide parts of myself that I don't like. I don't care if nobody reads this or fifty million people read it (okay, fifty million would be rad, but come on). This is me.

Step right up, ladies, gents, and ladygents (or gentleladies). The ride is about to begin.